A day for being grateful

A day that should have been one of celebration was mostly spent with very mixed emotions.

I spent most of Thursday night getting rid of whatever nastiness I ate that day. As a result I was up all night vomiting and all sorts of other horrible stuff. I unfortunately fainted whilst in the bathroom and my poor friend Kiki found me slumped on the bathroom floor. I think her and half the hostel were woken up by the thud of my head banging off the floor.

I spent most of Friday hooked up to a drip in the wonderful German hospital where I had my check up.

As I lay there I experienced all the feelings I had felt when I was going through cancer;- fear, exhaustion, sickness and anger. As I did when I was diagnosed as a 30 year old I felt it was my fault that I was ill.

Thoughts of having to go home and memories of chemo and radiotherapy all came flooding back. The question of ‘could I ever go through it again?’ also came up.

After about 4 bags of whatever they were pumping into my veins I started to feel better and the doctor gave me my blood results which were all normal. 3 and 1/2 years all clear! Amazing! My life and my trip can continue.

I wanted to share this wonderful news with you yesterday but when I arrived back at my hostel I received very sad news that a young girl called Claire, who’s mum has been following my journey, had died suddenly. She had been suffering from a brain tumour. I have never met Claire or her Mum but I feel very close to them. Claire’s mum, Lynette, would often email me to tell me how Claire was doing and that they were inspired by my experiences. I was so sad to hear this news. We had made plans to all meet when I was in Australia. Claire was so young and I cannot begin to imagine how her family must be feeling right now.

If I’m completely honest, every now and again I’ve caught myself taking my new found health for granted. This day was again a massive reminder of how lucky I am to be healthy and to still be here, let alone be able to do this wonderful trip. Thing #5 on my list was to have an entire day where I didn’t think about cancer. I’m not sure I want this anymore. I don’t want to forget I’ve had cancer now, I just don’t want to be scared of it anymore. I want to be feel grateful that I was one of the lucky ones.

My love and thoughts are with Lynette and her family. I am so sorry for your loss and although we never got the chance to meet, I want you to know that Claire has inspired me to be a better person.

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